As I ministered on Father’s Day about the love of God, our incredible Heavenly Father, I find myself continuing to ponder the difference between the two primary loves, Agape and Phileo.
As I stated in my message, Agape is the superior love that is unconditional and sacrificial, and that operates in a person’s best interests. But then I began to think that to qualify it truly as the “Superior Love”, our love must first operate in the best interest of God, and then we will fully understand how we are to walk in this “Agape Love” towards others. The second love is Phileo love, or an emotional, relational, passionate, and “feel-good” type of love. Both are very important, and the Scripture uses both words to describe God’s love for us and also our love for God and others.
Jesus actually told His disciples, if you don’t love (Phileo) me more than father, mother, son, or daughter, you are not worthy of being mine. (John 10:37) He told the disciples that God loves (Phileo) us passionately because we love Jesus passionately (John 16:27). So, both are critically important. However, the issue happens when we love others, or even ourselves, more than we love God. Passionate love should always move us to act in obedience to God’s will, even if those decisions are uncomfortable for us.
It is when we are called to make those decisions of obedience to Agape Love that the Phileo love can appear to be under attack. When we are called to make those hard decisions concerning people we love deeply, because we know that without correction we would not be operating in the best interests of God, the Phileo love comes under attack and may even be questioned by others. Suddenly, the “feel-good” love is offended because it no longer feels good on either side. Often, these types of decisions are uncomfortable and carry the risk of relationship loss, misinterpretation, and even slanderous attacks.
In Mt. 16:21-23, Jesus told His disciples of the things He must suffer in Jerusalem. But Peter’s passionate love for Jesus caused him to rebuke Jesus. Why? Peter did not see the big picture of God’s will for Jesus in the earth. Peter did not like the way the information about Jesus’ upcoming trials in Jerusalem made him “feel”. After all, they were drawing crowds and great things were being done. Why stop now? Jesus responded, “Matthew 16:23 (LEB) — But he turned around and said to Peter, ‘Get behind me, Satan! ‘ ” You are a cause for stumbling to me, because you are not intent on the things of God, but the things of people!” Our passionate love can become a stumbling block if it prevents us from moving forward to promote the will of God in the earth, in our lives, or in His assignment for us.
We see this type of thing in many settings. We see parents who will not hold their children accountable because of the love they “feel” for them. We see pastors who will not teach certain truths because they might “offend” the people, who may subsequently leave the church. They, like Peter, become a stumbling block to the true message and advancement of the Kingdom of God. We may see this in the work environment, where employees are allowed to get away with breaking the rules or mistreating others because they are our buddies, or we just feel we can’t afford to lose them. Let’s not rock the boat, so we allow chaos, strife, and confusion to thrive. What it really is about is that we no longer “Agape” the assignment from God and operate in a more “Philéo” mindset. We allow feelings of fear to become a stumbling block to God’s plan, not just for our lives, but for His Kingdom in our lives.
This distinction is very clear and very important. We need emotional and relational love for God and others, but it must never cause us to stumble in obedience to God’s will and to what is truly in His best interest. Jesus shows this distinction in Matthew’s gospel.
- Matthew 7:21–23 (LEB) — 21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter into the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and expel demons in your name, and perform many miracles in your name?’ 23 And then I will say to them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Depart from me, you who practice lawlessness!’
Are these ones who seem passionate about God based on their actions? Could these unknowingly have been motivated by reasons other than integrity towards God’s agenda? We see that based on Jesus’ response, they clearly did not do the will of God. Could these possibly be those whose ministry is really more about them than doing God’s will? Could they just be performers on stage who never find time or the way to the secret place to get His will? This is a warning to all of us to move carefully and always ask God what His will is in all we do. It is never about feel-good emotions or pleasing people. It is about His Will and His Kingdom. It is about loving God first, unconditionally, and sacrificially. It is about loving people enough to say no or set boundaries where needed. When we see these types of warnings in Scripture, it is yet another example of God’s love for and the call to look inside of our own hearts and examine our own motives. What an incredible Father who loves us so much that He will guide us into all truth about His Kingdom! Truth about ourselves, our motives, our passions, and His Will. This is Agape Love! This is unconditional love. This is sacrificial love! This is God! He is Love (agape)! 1 John 4:8.
